Bullies are people who feel insecure and have various behaviours because of this insecurity. In case you didn’t know this, bullies are narcissists.  Every behaviour and tactic described here is what a narcissist does. Sadly these controlling people are the ones who commit domestic abuse too.

Bullies operate subtly and so you may not be aware of their tactics or what is going on, you may just feel bad or uncomfortable.  When you begin to understand why they are behaving in a certain way, it doesn’t excuse what they are doing, but it allows you to see through them. They are fully aware of how they choose to treat you, because they also choose to treat others very well as part of their strategy. You can’t change them-but you can change how you deal with them.

Once you learn all their manipulative behaviours and tactics you can spot them, label them and document them. You will begin to see clearly rather than being foggy, stressed and unwell.

You should document effectively by keeping a diary of each manipulative tactic they take, so that you can demonstrate a pattern of repeated efforts of intimidation, exhaustion or any other tactic.  Trust your instincts and never doubt them and communicate assertively. Have a good support system.  Tell everyone what is happening because bullies rely on you not speaking out and keeping the peace. When the bully knows that you can see through their tactics they will feel quite stupid, knowing that they are being analysed and that their tactics have been exposed makes them lose all power.

Bullies are always trying to establish dominance.

This page contains at least ten tactics they use so that you can identify them and demonstrate an extensive pattern of toxic and intimidating behaviour. Better still if you can call them out to the perpetrator as soon as possible this could halt them in their tracks.

Why are you a target for bullying ?

• The bully thinks they can get away with it with you and that you won’t speak up
• The bully feels outshined and threatened by you and so they want to belittle you, maybe you suggested a great idea to the boss.
• The bully wants revenge because you have exposed something in them that highlights their incompetence or deficiency
• You are not easily controlled or swayed and you are an independent thinker and they want everyone inline under their influence
• You ask questions – Bullies hate people that ask questions, questions are seen as defiance to a bully
• If you are what they are pretending to be – calm, confident and genuine, this threatens their ego
• Bullies feel entitled to special treatment as they see themselves as superior, they feel upset when they are not worshipped by you
• They also think they are above the rules and try to get away with things and you may have caught them in the act
• You are a happy person and they are jealous of your happiness

Bullies have a need for power and control

Tactic – They want you to be intimidated as this makes them feel powerful. Try not to be intimidated or if you are, do not show this. If you show you are intimidated they will see that their strategy is working. They may use a forceful tone of voice.

Power and control make them feel important and relieve their insecurity so they aim to get obedience, fear and submission from people. Tactic – They will abuse their position of power to intimidate people and create situations of compliance and obedience. Keep evidence of how they are abusing their power.

Tactic – They may provoke reactions to gain control over your emotions and control over the situation. Bullies or narcissists may use words to make you react to establish dominance. They often use false or unfair accusations. They want you to prove yourself to them. For example, when they accuse you of being incompetent or something then you naturally rush to defend yourself. This actually gives them the feeling of power. Don’t defend yourself or explain yourself and certainly don’t rush. You can state that these are false accusations without needing to defend yourself.

Tactic – Bullies often shift the blame to others to make themselves look better, or shift negative attention off them and on to you or someone else to deflect accountability.

Tactic – Is the bully asking you to do tasks that are unnecessary? This is because they want to see obedience and compliance. Make a note of everything unreasonable.

Tactic – They may delay something such as in signing papers or withhold something from you, knowing that you are waiting for this release of information or something within their control. So withholding or delaying something is another tactic of control.

Tactic – Bullies isolate people or rely on their victim keeping quiet, this is why everything needs to be out in the open as soon as possible to as many people as can be involved. Take consideration of who you speak to though, as the bully may have already manipulated people to be on their side. Have someone with you at all times if you have to meet with the bully. 

Tactic – Bullies attempt to exhaust their victims to make them weaker.  They try to wear you out with repeated requests that use up your time and energy.

Tactic – They like to hassle you at the end of your day when you are tired and may not think clearly.  Respond slowly if you have to respond and ensure you take the time to think about your response, the longer you delay the better. If you respond quickly this shows you are nervous and this feeds their power.  They create a sense of urgency for a quick decision or reaction, when there actually isn’t an urgent need. This is to keep you off guard. They like to rush people to unsettle them.

Tactic – The bully likes to make you feel like you are never good enough, that you need to jump through more hoops.  This is a way of them feeling more powerful as you are made to feel not good enough, which in turn makes them feel better about themselves. They may move the goalposts so that you never meet your objectives.

Tactic – Confusion. Don’t lose your version of the truth to slip into the story telling of the bully. Are they trying to confuse you with technical jargon and complex situations. Bullies love to create chaos and confusion. Make sure you ask them to explain themselves clearly or ask for someone else’s interpretation of the situation.

Tactic – Destroy your composure. The bully may be moody and may huff and puff and try to transfer their emotions to you. Their tactic is to destroy your composure. Disengage with their emotions, stick to logic and evidence. Tell them they appear to be in a bad mood.  Do not show empathy or sympathise with them as they see this as a weakness to exploit. Do not accept the transference of their mood on to you. That is their goal. Do not be rushed by them.

Tactic – withholding information. They may be teaching you something but not teach you the whole task so that they can huff and puff when you haven’t done something correctly or completely. Make sure you point this out to them and document this behaviour. Hold them accountable for their poor teaching or lack of information sharing. They may withhold vital information to make you look stupid and to trip you up.

Tactic – Instill self-doubt. They may trivialize your feelings eg you’re being too sensitive and they make you feel you’re imagining things. They may dismiss or undermine your thoughts, feelings or experiences, which leads to your self-doubt which weakens you. They twist the story and facts to make themselves look innocent. Be sure to correct them as soon as possible.

Tactic – Bullies are often charming to everyone around them so that when the victim speaks out against them, they are not believed. What do we mean by charming-they flatter people, they copy their opinions and tastes, as people tend to like people that have similar opinions. They entertain and tell jokes to make people laugh. They make themselves very likeable.

Tactic – unfair treatment and punishments. Bullies use punishments to control you. If it is the workplace they may give you far more work to complete than others. They give you an unreasonable workload to exhaust you and to make you feel used and unfairly treated.

Tactic – They may allocate an unreasonable workload however they may also do the opposite where they take on work that isn’t part of their role specification. This is to get control and influence with more people, to take control of workstreams they wish to and to make others dependent on them. This comes across as interfering and meddling. This could also be to establish dominance.

Tactic – They may take on more work than their role specification determines. They interfere and attempt to take control of other peoples tasks to establish dominance and control, to feel more important and to gain more influence with more people or departments. They like to make others dependent on them, this relieves some insecurity.

Maintain your boundaries. Do not be patient with them or understanding as this gives them permission to continue to bully you. Boundaries are your time, your space, your attention and anything that is yours. Enforce your boundaries – for example if you have finished work and your boss wants to talk to you, tell them you are not at work and you will speak in work hours. They push into your boundaries because they are confident you will allow it in the name of peace, because you don’t want confrontation.   You might have a time boundary – they want to test if you shift your schedule or delay your exit. They learn that you are someone who’s time can be taken. They might expect you to stop what you’re doing. They might cut in on a conversation or talk over you. They watch to see if you will drop what you’re doing. 

Sometimes the bully appears to be socially awkward when in fact they are pushing in to your boundaries eg personal space, to test you.  They may get too close to you to see what you do and intimidate you. They may take or steal something that is yours to assert dominance.

Bullies test rank, they think they are the alpha. They test you to see if you submit to their dominance, avoid or behave equal.  They may test you by dismissing your success, ignoring your opinion or joking about you. Your composure and confidence is a threat to them so they may create a moment of tension and watch what you do. They might say something odd for example to see if you call it out and disagree with it. Bullies want you to become uncomfortable, they create situations to make you feel uncomfortable.  If you stay calm or unbothered they see this as defiance.

Bullies hate feeling like they can’t get away with whatever they want. They have a sense of superiority and feel entitled to better treatment and to get away with things. They may cheat in some way, leave work early or claim expenses that are false.

How to remove the control that the bully has over you? After you have evidence of this pattern of control, intimidation, creating exhaustion, unnecessary tasks, withholding information etc Try to get evidence in emails and in their actions and from witnesses. As mentioned before, never be alone with the bully. Identify and label the tactics. Document the dates, times, witnesses, what they did and what the impact was. Label the tactic.

There are a number of avenues you could take. This is psychological abuse and if the bullying is at work you should be able to lodge multiple incidents so that there is a pattern of repeated abuse.  There may be a whistleblower policy where you can report misconduct.

You may be able to sue your company or the person. You can see a psychologist or a Dr to get evidence of psychological harm.

You could take sick leave to financially impact the company and to evidence psychological harm.

You could ask for a transfer to a department away from this person. You can apply for another job.

You can find your workplace bullying and harassment policy/ respectful behaviour policy and use that to demonstrate misconduct and you can make a formal complaint.  

You can reach out to agencies outside of the workplace that look into occupational health and safety.

Take the time to discover who is enabling the bully.  Identify people who are aware of the bullies actions and are allowing them to continue.  Disengage with these people and do not trust them. Look for dynamics and who benefits by you being bullied.

Bullies attempt to control how others perceive you with what is called a smear campaign.  They frame the story and conversations and spread doubt about your character. You should behave with integrity and respectfully so that they are not believed. If there is evidence of defamation you may be able to get the law involved. 

When communicating with a bully, keep interactions brief and boring, and, if you can, answer with a single word or phrase wherever possible. Do not reveal emotion.

Don’t JADE: – Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This only provides fuel to the bully to make them feel powerful. Do not share any unnecessary information with them, they collect these details to twist them and use against you.  Keep your tone flat and your answers short. To protect yourself in conversation, use a dead end.  Speak with finality, do not overexplain and do not attempt to manage their feelings, just provide a simple calm dead end. Do not try to be liked or be nice with a bully.

For more information on dealing with a bully Please find my book on amazon – Adult Bullying Tactics and Remedies by Rosie Walker